It wasn't me

So, I have to tell you, it wasn't me. I did not come to this place in my jouhairney (that's what i'm calling this phase of my life- the jou-HAIR-ney) on my own. As my hair started falling out and I began to realize I might lose all my hair, I was very sad. I was mad too- but mostly sad. I would wake up some days and not want to get out of bed. The thought of trying to hide all my spots was overwhelming. Not even a thought of little Lulu made me want to get up. I did get up though. I cried. I went to the bathroom mirror and fixed and styled and twisted and covered up those spots. I never got mad at God. I held on to hope. I held on to hope that my hair would stop falling out- that it would grow back.

I went to hang out with some girl friends one night- for coffee and dessert and good girly convo. We laughed and talked about fashion and kids and husbands and other things girls talk about. Then, my friend asked me a simple question, "how are you doing?". How am I doing? I could say, "fine, how are you? Instead I said..."well...this hair thing is really making me sad". I said lots of things that night. They let me talk a long time about how this silly little thing...losing my hair...was impacting me. I cried a lot. They prayed for me.  I woke up the next morning lighter, happier, peaceful, and free...er (is that a word?) than i've felt in a long time. That is an answer to prayer. That is why I believe in God. Not because He answers prayers- but because with God I can find freedom in a dark place. I can find joy in the little things even though some days I only want to cry.

Lulu in the party wig

But who can spend too much time crying when there is super troll doll Lucille?

There is a "facebook" for people with Alopecia Areata- called Alopecia World (The hairloss social network-is that weird?). I joined. There are many discussion groups and I stumbled across one for atheists with Alopecia. That just made me sadder. "I know a lot of people turn to spirituality to find strength to cope with diseases like alopecia, because people need to make meaning of what is happening in their lives, it is a fundamental desire. For this reason it is perhaps even harder for atheists, because for us the truth is that there is no special reason, no logic, no lesson to be learnt, other than random shit happens, which must be dealt with! :) " Random shit happens, which must be dealt with. Wow.

I am thankful for my faith. I am thankful for my life- which is rich in hope  love, and light...rich in friendships. I couldn't do it without the support of my wonderful husband, my mother, my cute as pie daughter, and my friends. I need yall to tug on the wig if it's falling off to the side.

My hair is still falling out. It's not showing signs of slowing down or growing back. Right now I am thankful for my wig, big and wide headband/scarfy things, for hoping in new things like- that I will look cute bald, and how God is always surprising me and changing my attitude. The next big decision: to shave or not to shave. If I decide to shave, I think I will have a big party. You can shave too!

xoxo

Fake Barbie part 2

after a woman has a baby, there is a period of mild to modrate hairloss associated with fluctuating hormones i think. so, when Lucy was between 4 -8 months old my hair was really falling out...and i was beginning to get concerned that it might all fall out. but it slowed down and started to grow back. i was doing some strategic bobby pin placements and maybe it was still super noticeable- i don't know. i pretended i looked cute and carried on as if nothing was wrong.

but now the dang hair is falling out again. i have more bald spots than i've ever had before. they aren't really "spots" as you can see. when i look at myself in the mirror- i don't see them. but if the wind blows, they show. if i put my hair behind my ear, they show. if my hair is wet, i look like i have the mange- if i want to pull my hair up in a ponytail i look like a cheap barbie.  cheap as in less expensive or not a real "barbie" but a fake "barbie"...at least like a cheap almost 40 year old mama barbie. you know- the cheap barbie has pretty hair when it's all flowing down her back- but if you pull it up in a ponytail it's bald underneath- because i guess it's cheaper to not fill in the whole head with hair. i know you know what i'm talking about.

i guess i'm writing all this down so everyone will or can know that i am a little more freaky than you may have originally thought. it's not just something i feel comfortable bringing up in everyday conversations. "how was your weekend? good, good to hear. guess what? i have a freaky hair condition and i may be going bald. did you bring your lunch today?" i will totally talk about it- but it's just not something i want to bring up as a topic of conversation. my experience is that no one ever asks me about it- and maybe no one has ever seen one of my spots...unless i showed you one.

i want you to know so that in case you do see a spot you will know what it is....and you can tell people who don't know so no one has to guess. i know people don't pay as much attention to me as i think they do- i know i can be my own worst critic. i just want to put it all out there in hopes that by telling my secret it won't have so much power over me- because i think about it A LOT! i would love to put my hair in a ponytail!! i miss wearing pigbuns. i wanna go out on a windy day and not think, "who's with me? and will they notice? or who can see me? or oh damn!- i should have brought my hat!"

i am writing all this down so you will know i am vain. i don't want to be bald. i have no idea what kind of head shape i have and if it's even remotely cute in it's bald state. i don't want to know. i am already a mom who beeps a lot because of my insulin pump. i don't want to be a bald mom who beeps...that's...an alien. i am writing all this down to say that if you have even one ounce of faith- please pray that my hair will stop falling out and stop falling out forever- no more bald spots. or that i will die to my vanity and not care if it all falls out.

stay tuned for news from.... the WIG shop!

Fake Barbie and testing out the blogger in me

I already posted this article on facebook- but i have decided through some encouragement from family members and other friends- that i will try my hand at blogging. i am using my old material so i can practice messing around with the format and setting up the page so it looks nice and cool! here we go!

I am not trying to gross you out or be a downer. but i feel compelled to tell the story about one little secret i am holding very close. i decided i should go VERY public with it because i am hoping that maybe if i tell everyone i know about my ugly little secret then it will not have so much power over me. it's true what they say in the bible about darkness and light. if i can just start talking about it, it will stop holding me captive. i have alopecia areata.

i've had it since i was 18 or 19 years old. it's a auto immune disorder/condition where my body tells my hair not to grow- so it falls out. i think it was first discovered in foxes. the body attacks itself. "ooooooh weeeeeee. what up with that?"

i have a bunch of bald spots or "patches" on my head. for most of my life they haven't been very noticeable. once in college i had a big spot on the top of my head- but i wore hats and headbands to cover it up. other than that one time- i've always been able to cover up the spots without a hat or headband. my hair was long enough or the spots were positioned in such a way that having them wasn't a big deal. now, all of a sudden, i am freaking out. my hair is falling out at an alarming rate. i don't just have 'spots' anymore.

come back for part 2.