It wasn't me

So, I have to tell you, it wasn't me. I did not come to this place in my jouhairney (that's what i'm calling this phase of my life- the jou-HAIR-ney) on my own. As my hair started falling out and I began to realize I might lose all my hair, I was very sad. I was mad too- but mostly sad. I would wake up some days and not want to get out of bed. The thought of trying to hide all my spots was overwhelming. Not even a thought of little Lulu made me want to get up. I did get up though. I cried. I went to the bathroom mirror and fixed and styled and twisted and covered up those spots. I never got mad at God. I held on to hope. I held on to hope that my hair would stop falling out- that it would grow back.

I went to hang out with some girl friends one night- for coffee and dessert and good girly convo. We laughed and talked about fashion and kids and husbands and other things girls talk about. Then, my friend asked me a simple question, "how are you doing?". How am I doing? I could say, "fine, how are you? Instead I said..."well...this hair thing is really making me sad". I said lots of things that night. They let me talk a long time about how this silly little thing...losing my hair...was impacting me. I cried a lot. They prayed for me.  I woke up the next morning lighter, happier, peaceful, and free...er (is that a word?) than i've felt in a long time. That is an answer to prayer. That is why I believe in God. Not because He answers prayers- but because with God I can find freedom in a dark place. I can find joy in the little things even though some days I only want to cry.

Lulu in the party wig

But who can spend too much time crying when there is super troll doll Lucille?

There is a "facebook" for people with Alopecia Areata- called Alopecia World (The hairloss social network-is that weird?). I joined. There are many discussion groups and I stumbled across one for atheists with Alopecia. That just made me sadder. "I know a lot of people turn to spirituality to find strength to cope with diseases like alopecia, because people need to make meaning of what is happening in their lives, it is a fundamental desire. For this reason it is perhaps even harder for atheists, because for us the truth is that there is no special reason, no logic, no lesson to be learnt, other than random shit happens, which must be dealt with! :) " Random shit happens, which must be dealt with. Wow.

I am thankful for my faith. I am thankful for my life- which is rich in hope  love, and light...rich in friendships. I couldn't do it without the support of my wonderful husband, my mother, my cute as pie daughter, and my friends. I need yall to tug on the wig if it's falling off to the side.

My hair is still falling out. It's not showing signs of slowing down or growing back. Right now I am thankful for my wig, big and wide headband/scarfy things, for hoping in new things like- that I will look cute bald, and how God is always surprising me and changing my attitude. The next big decision: to shave or not to shave. If I decide to shave, I think I will have a big party. You can shave too!

xoxo